COOPERATION
I have been telling you that the indescribable bliss that you anticipated as you came into marriage is not only possible but likely. Embrace the things you have learned so far. Love and Determination keep you together. Acceptance, appreciation and cooperation will produce the kind of relationship with your spouse that makes life together delicious.
I recently heard a woman who was asked to attend a couples retreat respond, “Oh, we couldn’t do that. We are not a couple. We have become a single now.” Wow, isn’t that what God said would happen in marriage…. “The two will become one.” Follow my advice and you will look back one day and see that you have become one. If you give up on each other, you may decide to start over again with someone else. However, you will be carrying all the baggage of unresolved conflict into the next relationship. Let’s move on to the fifth component of marital bliss.
The fifth ingredient of a successful marriage relationship, as I see it, is cooperation. That may sound bland but let me assure you that in everyday life experience this makes or breaks a life of pleasure together or a life of emotional pain. Obviously the issues around which we need to cooperate are numerous. I intend to focus only on seven things causes so much distress between spouses. If you can master the art of cooperation in these seven areas of your life together you will be able to apply the methods in any other context that requires cooperation.
It is important to understand that generally people are attracted to someone who is opposite in personality. For instance, an extrovert generally marries an introvert. On the other hand people are attracted to someone who has similar values. For example, people who both value education tend to be comfortable with one another.
As we examine ways to cooperate I will approach each issue with these two theories of attraction as foundational. Let’s get started.
COOPERATION PART 1
IN LAWS
Contrary to modern ideas about marriage to an individual we do not actually marry a person. We marry a family. Not only is the environmental conditioning of your spouse primarily a product of their home life or lack thereof, there is an ongoing connectedness to family members as a result of love and loyalty. You cannot change this, nor should you. Instead, it becomes essential to harmony that relationships with in-laws be cooperatively managed. In other cultures where a spouse is selected by their parents, in-law problems are diminished because of the pre-existing relationship of their parents.
One of the great blessings of having in-laws is completely missed by many people. It is missed because it is counter intuitive. But it is easy to understand and correct. When your spouse irritates you, and they will, do not complain to your family. Instead, take the matter to your in-laws for advice.
Particularly, a guy should ask his father-in-law for advice about how to deal with that man’s daughter. As a man who loves her, he has dealt with her weaknesses, irritating habits and undesirable traits all of her life so he can give you the best advice. It will become a great bonding experience. If you approach him with genuine concern for his daughter, he will greatly appreciate it and help you. On the other hand, if you complain to your parents, they will not have the insight her father has. They may take up offence against their daughter-in-law for mistreating their poor baby boy. Nothing good can come of this approach. Do not criticize your spouse in front of your parents.
Obviously, a woman should approach her mother-in-law for advice about dealing with conflict with her husband. You will very likely endear her to you and create a friendship that will both strengthen your marriage and increase your pleasure with his family. It is even more challenging for a woman to avoid complaining to her mom about her husband. As difficult as that may be, it is very important that you do not create negative emotions in your mother toward your husband. Do not criticize your spouse in front of your parents.
Holiday Visits
One of the first issues arising with newlyweds and in-laws is visits with one another. The first holiday season could be a challenge. I advise couples to resolve this in advance. The two most likely holidays during which your spouse may have never missed being with their parents and siblings are Christmas and Thanksgiving. Whose family will you be with on your first Christmas? Be with each others in-laws every other year on each of these two holidays. Decide where you will go for each holiday the first year with a flip of a coin.
This has worked so well for my family that our children have sought to make Christmas line up within their families to be together at each one every other year. I suppose the latter couples did not flip a coin when they got married. When we are together they will often say, “Now whose year is it to be with which family?” This is fair to all and can be reasonably explained to any rational family member. It is not acceptable to demand that your spouse spend every holiday with your family. It will be emotionally challenging at first but it will prove to be a beneficial resolution to a common problem in cooperation. There may be tears on the part of the one who is missing their first Christmas with their parents. Be patient and understanding, your turn is coming next year.
Routine Visits
When it comes to visits you have to decide what makes you comfortable and your in-laws will need to accept that. There are no universal policies. For instance, can in-laws simply show up unannounced? Can they walk in without knocking? Can they keep the children overnight? Do the same household rules for children about eating and bedtimes apply with grandparents? Will out of town in-laws stay with you during visits or get a hotel? Are frequent phone calls acceptable? There are no right or wrong answers.
Many of the answers to these and other questions like these provide a context for harmonious cooperation with your spouse. The communication of your decisions must be made to the in-laws by their own child. If you ask your spouse to relay information to your family that may be controversial, you are asking for trouble. These decisions are yours to make, but you need to seriously consider and discuss decisions with in-laws who become very upset over any of these decisions. Ultimately, peace and harmony trump rules as a basis of enduring family friendship.