THE PROBLEM
Since love happens, if you’re determined to stay in your marriage relationship, love will happen to you. As time passes love is strengthened. I don’t propose to you that people like Frank and Maria Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond) have a good relationship. They don’t. They have a bad relationship but it’s a permanent relationship because they’re determined. That’s why the other three things I want to share with you are so important. They are the three things that constitute a successful relationship. You will not get to the other three ingredients that help you experience a successful marriage relationship if you’re not a determined to keep your commitment to your spouse. You must make up your mind to stay there and work it out.
One obstacle to determination is the culturally acceptable mentality that if it doesn’t work you’ll just split up and get a divorce. If that is your position then you will never enjoy the indescribable bliss of marriage that you were designed to experience. Why? You’ll be gone. You’ll be trying the next relationship with the same mentality and it will become for you a series of broken relationships. I have observed that occasionally some individuals, especially those who acquire humility finally get it. They start to realize, I’m the problem. Whoever I’m with, I’ll still be me. Now I also have the baggage of a broken relationship.
SOURCES OF DETERMINATION
So how does determination develop?
1. Determination occurs when the culture of which you are a part values the permanence of marriage. The dominant culture in Western Society does not provide that context. Failed relationships have become so normal in society that people approaching marriage anticipate divorce whether consciously or unconsciously.
2. Determination may be a part of your religious beliefs and culture since virtually all significant belief systems promote the permanence of marriage. A sub-culture such as this helps overcome societal norms.
3. It sometimes comes from being from a family who stayed married. You know that your parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles stayed marriedand somehow you’re going to stay married too. You determine, with encouragement from your family, to work out the issues that cause you to feel at odds with one another. I was 17 and my wife was 16 when we married. Yes, we were very young and didn’t know it. We had to get permission from our parents. My mother in law did me a great service when my sweetheart asked her to sign for us to get married. She said “OK, but if you marry him, you cannot come back home when you want to leave him……and you will want to leave.” She was right. My young wife did want to leave but she didn’t. It is very normal to second guess this most important decision of life. When that happens and your family has experience in working out life together, they can advise and encourage you to be determined.
4. Mentors can be a source of determination. Seek the advice of couples who have been married a lifetime. They can encourage you with advice like, “Stay together and it will be worth it.” Identify a few couples you admire and go ask them for advice. They will generally be uncomfortable at first and give you shallow answers such as older men who often say, “I just do what she says.” But they will take you seriously if you persist. Why would you get advice from people who have failed in their relationships? You would not get financial or business advice from someone who has never demonstrated success. At least you shouldn’t.
5. Never give up! Determination grows the longer you are married. In a marriage relationship committed to permanence, you will somehow learn to work through the issues that separate you from your spouse emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. If you do despair and give up, the ultimate result is total physical separation. Your dream is gone.
6. Stop justifying your contribution to the stress in your relationship. Everyone in a broken relationship says it’s the other one’s fault. I want to assure you there’s no such thing as totally one-sided failure of a marriage relationship.
HOW TO STOP JUSTIFYING YOURSELF
1. Take an honest look within. If you would honestly ask yourself what you are doing to contribute to the problems. Get real with yourself and you will just know what your part is in this relational failure.
2. Ask for help. If you can’t see how you are at fault, you need and should seek professional counseling. For most people, things will just come to mind. If you are a praying person, ask God to reveal those things to you. You can also ask trusted friends or relatives to be brutally frank with you. Please don’t become angry with them when they do. Instead, thank them for their help.
3. Admit your fault. As long as you justify yourself and deny your own contribution to the failure, your relationship you will never improve. We we can have a good relationship if we’re determined to create it. You can’t make your spouse respond positively to you. But you can get right within yourself toward your spouse. Your spouse may not be ready to apologize or ask for forgiveness for their failures.
4. Go first. You can be the bigger person by apologizing for your failures first. You can also show your spouse compassion and forgiveness without demanding an apology. Go ahead and do what YOU should do and give your spouse time to consider. It may take your spouse much longer than you. Be patient. Both apologies and forgiveness are crucial to reconciliation. If your relationship with your spouse is broken you need to give. One of you has to take the initiative. You are reading this book. You have already taken the initiative to read it. Why not take the initiative to apologize for your part and forgive your spouse for their part in your strained relationship.
5. Do not accuse. Do not expect an immediate apology in return. Win your spouse over time by being the stronger person. Strong people apologize. It is not a sign of weakness. You need to do everything in your power to make things right. Talk to this person you married and leave no stone unturned to get things straightened out. Apologize! Forgive! I’ve seen so many relationships restored in this way.
THE BIG PICTURE OF MARITAL FAILURE
I am a Life Coach. I’ve had many experiences with people I coach. About half the people entering a life coaching relationship have a broken relationship of some kind. Generally it is a significant broken relationship such as a spouse, parent, child, sibling, friend or partner. It is one of the first things I address. I explain, “You are not going to make significant progress in the other areas of life until you address this most significant one.”
What I’m saying is that relational failure is contagious and will affect every facet of your life. In the book The Millionaire Next Door[i] the author’s research revealed that an extremely high percentage of millionaires have been married to the same person for life, have held very few employment positions, have lived in few houses, live frugally and enjoy general stability in their lives. In other words there is a correlation between success at home and success in career, financial resources and general well being.
In reality, every arena of life requires relational skill. Why not experience success right at home first of all. You made a commitment to do that in your marriage vows. Do you consider yourself a person who keeps their word….a person of integrity? I believe you do. You can do this. You can be determined.
TWO RULES TO REMAIN DETERMINED
1. Never threaten to leave or use the word divorce. Your spouse has only two very undesirable choices if you do that. They are both very destructive. One choice is to say to you, “OK, if that is the way you want it, don’t let the door hit you in the butt on the way out.” The other choice is to beg you to stay. In other words, in the war of words during conflict (which is normal) do not go there. Make no threat to leave and do not let the word divorce come from your lips.
2. The second rule is to never hit, either with your hand or any other object. Physical conflict will never resolve anything and it destroys any trust that may exist. You can have some great wars of words in the process of resolving your differences. You can be very angry. You can even yell. Rules of engagement are broad in relational conflict but NEVER strike your spouse. Hands are to be objects of love and service. Raising you hand or reaching toward your spouse should never cause them to feel the need to flinch. Do not hit your spouse. Whatever it takes, keep these two rules. This will strengthen your determination.
CONCLUSION
I do believe determination is the most important ingredient in experiencing permanence in marriage. I agree that permanence is not going to provide the marital bliss you expect. But if you are not together you will have no foundation on which to build the rest of the foundation that will bring you joy with each other.
If you stay together long enough you will provide yourselves the opportunity to enjoy the results of the next three ingredients of a successful marriage relationship. Stay on the journey. My wife is now my best friend, my partner, my sweetheart, my lover as well as my wife. She has been my wife from the day we said, “I do.” The other parts of the relationship took a long time to develop but just like all things of value, a large investment is necessary. I can assure you that our determination has paid rich dividends. We now have the inexplicable, indescribable over the top relationship we dreamed we would have. So can you. The next three ingredients are keys to joy with your spouse.
[i] The Millionaire Next Door, 1996 by Thomas J. Stanley, Ph.D. and William D. Danko, Ph.D. Published by Pocket Books, a division of Simon and Schuster, Inc.