SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP
The second area of cooperation is totally unique to the marriage relationship or it should be. The sexual relationship or the act of marriage as it has been described is a primary reason to be married. It is the context in which the bliss of intimacy reaches its zenith or it should. Though sex occurs very naturally and needs little, if any, instruction it is very often less fulfilling than expected. It is an area where great cooperation is needed. Unfortunately, often little real understanding of male female uniqueness is understood by the other spouse.
Sex is central to the content of much entertainment in the media and articles are in virtually every magazine. One might assume that the sexual relationship is front and center in marriage. The picture of sex in the media is mostly skewed and unrealistic. Women generally do not have an intense orgasm every time they make love. At best they are regular and sometimes hardly at all. The media can create wrong expectations in couples. Most of the time sex in marriage does not resemble this make believe intensity in movies.
A disconnect can occur between false expectations and reality. This often causes a spouse to think something is wrong with them or their spouse. Genuine medical problems can prevent satisfaction. If there is any question, see your doctor. Otherwise start talking to one another about how you feel about your physical relationship. Ask what each one expects. How frequent is it mutually desirable? What methods are meaningful to your spouse? Reveal any feelings of inadequacy you may feel. Ask what your spouse needs. Do not clam up, sulk, give the silent treatment or turn your back in bed in frustration. If you are very angry and need to chill wait until you do. But you must talk or this divide may grow very wide. For many it ends in no intimacy at all. Couples frequently fail to cooperate in the only unique arena of the marriage relationship.
A Delightful Bedroom – Cause or Result?
I believe sexual problems are a symptom rather than the problem itself. If your love is not maturing and you are not accepting one another as is and you are not showing appreciation to each other, you are not practicing the sexual foreplay these other qualities create. This goes both ways. Yes, romantic foreplay in marriage is more important to women but men must feel intimacy as well. A man can have quick sex without true intimacy but that cannot be the basis of a long term meaningful relationship. Men and women both need genuine intimacy. The emotion of extreme passion is short lived. But comprehensive love making lasts a lifetime.
Initially our self centered desires lead us to use each other for sexual gratification. This isn’t necessarily wrong. It is just immature and does not reflect the depth of love needed for the long haul. As love matures, the desire to satisfy one’s spouse becomes greater and greater. Sexual pleasure is the outgrowth of an overall healthy life journey together with growing friendship, love, respect and intimacy. I purpose that your sexual relationship is not what creates a strong relationship in marriage but it under girds it and is a reflection of the overall health of your marriage relationship. When problems occur in the bedroom, look in the living room for likely causes.
Love and Respect
A man’s way of experiencing foreplay differs greatly from that of a woman. I’m not talking about touching. Both need that. I’m talking about a woman’s need for love and a man’s need for respect. Yes, men, your wife needs to feel loved by you in order to want you. And, much to the surprise of many women, a man’s greater emotional need is not love. It is to be respected. If you treat your husband with disrespect, you will not set him up for genuine mutual intimacy. Oh, he may still want a quickie, but the depth of meaning in the act of marriage will be largely lost. That kind of sexual relationship will not sustain you through the years. The wife may feel used and the husband may eventually lose interest in such shallow intimacy.
Women need love. Men need respect. Please bear with me on this as I illustrate. A woman naturally relates to her friends with vulnerability, emotion and transparency. She can recognize love. It is thoughtful, emotional, giving and sensitive. It may express itself in acts of service, gifts, encouraging words, gentle touch or in giving your undivided attention for a period of time. Because these qualities constitute love, it takes time to develop and mature. The first few years of marriage are critical to that development of love. Love is a choice you must keep on making. It is essential for your wife to know and feel that you love her. I know you men are saying, “But she is not very lovable.” So what? Love her anyway. You promised to. If you don’t, she is likely to become more unlovable. Your wife will respond positively to genuine acts of love. And you can’t just show love for a week or so and expect her to believe it is coming from your heart. Make up your mind to love her the way you convinced her you did when you were dating. Love her with your eyes. Look and her and contemplate all the ways your life is better because of her. As you look, remember all the reasons you wanted her for your wife. Think about a specific time of mutually intimacy and just love her with your eyes as you remember. Show her more love and she will respect you more.
A man’s dream world is often one of vocational achievement, a family by his side, financial stability and pursuit of significance. Whether he is aware of it or not this need he is seeking to satisfy is that of being respected, even admired. Male sexual performance is also closely tied to his sense of masculinity so when you reject his advances he feels disrespected. The way you, as his spouse, may have looked at him, talked about him and wanted him when you were dating probably led him to believe you respected him. If you were able to do that then, why don’t you choose to show him that same respect now that you are married? You too, may be saying, “But he is not respectable.” You promised to honor him. Now do it. Consider the things he does do that you so appreciate and admire. Then tell him regularly how much you admire him for something specific. It is particularly important that you respect him as a provider and protector of your family. It is not enough to think those things, you need to tell him. Build him up and he will love you more.
Frequency
Men and women were created very distinctly so that procreation and pleasure will result. Attraction is biological and those biological facts are different for most men and women. A woman ovulates approximately once a month for a few days. It is only during those few days that she is fertile and can procreate. Her sexual desire is generally increased during that time. On the other hand, a man is capable of procreation at any time so his sexual desire is strong every two or three days. If he, like his wife, only had increased desire a few days a month, they may not get together with enough frequency to perpetuate the race. Desire and ability are unequal in men and women. Whether you are a follower of God or not you may find this interesting. In the Bible it says God gave Adam and Eve the following instructions, “Be fruitful and multiply.” Doesn’t it make sense that if God expects a certain behavior, he would create us in such a way that it would be natural. We are designed for procreation and pleasure.
The good news for you as a wife is that your husband is not a pervert simply because he desires to experience the act of marriage every few days, perhaps every two or three days. It only makes biological sense for him to have that kind of desire for his wife. That is why neither the wife nor husband should withhold sexual intimacy from the other. Each has needs. They are different but very real needs. If one deprives the other of this biological need, attraction to another could occur. That attraction is no excuse for adultery but it would be wise to meet each others needs to minimize the temptation.
A man generally has a great ability to be rejected by his wife. He can handle many incidents of rejection because his biological drive pushes him to keep trying. A wife may say to her husband, “Don’t you ever give up?” No he can’t, even in the face of rejection. However, if he ever reaches the place of feeling it is hopeless to keep tying to have his frequent needs met, he may withdraw completely. Your rejection can beat him down to despair. There is a limit. It varies with each man. Wife, please don’t try to see how much rejection he can take. You don’t want to go there. Make love to him. He doesn’t really want another woman. He wants you. But it could be way more frequently than you may realize. He was created that way.
The reality is there’s a whole lot of pain in the sexual area of marriage and a lot of confusion. Talk to each other about your desires and needs. Go on dates with intimacy in mind for the conclusion. Talk about frequency with one another and find amicable compromise. Do not wallow in self pity. Don’t sulk. Don’t withdraw. Don’t cry to your friends about how your spouse doesn’t understand you. Go direct. Be frank with your spouse. Then, if private discussion does not bring satisfactory resolution, go see a mediation type of counselor who can walk you through your discussion to reach a healthy and comfortable agreement about intimacy.
Sex really is a marital duty. Hopefully it can be much more for you. Perhaps you can achieve the bliss of intimacy unique to marriage by enjoying giving yourselves to one another in the act of making love.
Methods
Like frequency, methods of sexual activity will vary with each individual. Your methods depend on what gives you increased pleasure in your intimacy with your spouse. You need to talk about it and be respectful of one another’s desires. If a method is unacceptable to your spouse you should accept that reality. After all, sex is about intimacy. The method is incidental.
Mutual satisfaction is only possible if both parties are comfortable. However, from time to time one spouse may set aside their preferences voluntarily to please their lover. Also, some change may add excitement from time to time.
Along that line, a change of location can be invigorating and memorable. For instance, a vacation hotel room often adds a new level of excitement and expectation of intimacy. Unusual places can be a way to break up what may have become routine.
Conclusion
As you can see, cooperation in the sexual relationship of your marriage is an essential ingredient of a successful marriage relationship. I hope your bedroom becomes your best place of refuge, peace, safety, intimacy, pleasure and your sexual experiences seem like giant fireworks.
If you do achieve this level of intimacy, all the other issues of life will become easier to handle together. When you work together well in all the other things the act of marriage will be a climax of life together in more ways than one. Is a delightful bedroom a cause or a result? It is both. It is circular. Your cooperative life together and a delightful sexual relationship go hand in hand. Pursue intimacy with positive anticipation. It is so worth it.