LOVE HAPPENS
Love is the LEAST important of the five ingredients of a successful relationship. Why would I say this? It is because love happens. It always happens.
Skeptical? Let me convince you. Do you love your mom and dad? You might say yes even if your parent child relationship may have been dysfunctional. Did you choose your parents? Of course not. Love happens in any relationship when people spend time with each other. In reality you almost always end up loving someone when you spend time with them long enough. That is especially true when the relationship is focused and intense like it is in marriage. We don’t love everyone but we do love people we know well and that happens naturally. Do you have brothers and sisters? Do you love them? Very likely. By the way, did you choose your brothers and sisters? If you didn’t pick your brothers and sisters why do you love them? You love them because you’ve been with them a long time and you are concerned about them even if you don’t like them a great deal. Love happens.
Love vs. Like
Love and like are not the same thing. Loving someone without liking them is not a successful relationship. Love involves an element of giving. Liking someone means you really enjoy their company. We don’t always like some of the people we love. Perhaps you and your spouse just haven’t given yourself enough time for self giving love to develop. Is it possible that you and your spouse love each other but, at present, you don’t like each other very much? The reality of love is this: love occurs when people spend time together for an extended period.
Allow me to try to convince you of this truth concerning marriage. I have three illustrations. The first of these blew my mind when I first learned it years ago because I was not very well versed in the practices of other cultures. I met a couple from Taiwan and my wife and I became friends with them. In their youth their parents decided their children would someday be married. They had never really been around each other much. She was out of the country studying. He was pursuing his education. Their parents decided it was time for these two to be married. They hardly knew each other. In obedience to their parents, they came back to Taiwan and were married. I met them a few years later. They were one of the happiest couple I had ever seen in my life. What in the world happened? Love happened. They got married because it was expected and accepted in their culture. Somehow they understood and expected that being together would eventually result in love. You may say they were just lucky. Actually, arranged marriages are very successful. More recently, we have had the pleasure of becoming friends with a couple from another eastern country. They obviously love each other. Once I became comfortable enough to ask them a personal question I inquired, “You seem so happy together. Is there a possibility that yours was a marriage arranged by your parents?” They said, “Oh, absolutely.” “Well did you know each other very well?” “We hardly knew each other.” Love happens.
Starting Out
Since all of us enter every relationship with a selfish motivation, enduring love is not present at the beginning. We see in someone else qualities that complete us and satisfy us. He may think, “She is good looking and I will look like I have made a good catch to my friends.” That is not love but it is OK. All relationships start shallow and self-centered. She might think, “He makes me laugh and feel good.” This kind of thinking is normal. Most couples have little more than these kinds of connections when they marry but probably by now, since you are reading this, you know these things do not produce success in marriage. Staying with your spouse will produce enduring love.
One of the complicating factors in the development of love is premarital sex. This act is so self gratifying it is rarely motivated by love initially, even by those who do wait until they are married. So if you were sexually involved prior to your marriage, it created some patterns of behavior that may interfere with the development of love. You see, love is about giving and premarital sex is about getting or even taking. Sexual activity is not necessarily love and in your heart you know when it is not love. The development of love may become difficult and confusing to figure out whether sex or love is your motivation for intimacy. After all, we do call the physical relationship ‘making love’. This is not to imply that premarital sex makes the development of love unlikely, but it does add one more complicating factor to the smooth union of two unique people.
The Union of Two Spirits
A solution to this confusion is focusing on an often neglected facet of relational development: the union of our spirits. The inner being needs to become connected in order for love to mature. I call this the union of spirits. I believe this is a primary value of engagement. It seems that humans are designed by our creator in such a way that the best relational development begins with the union of our human spirits prior to the union of our bodies. Two people start to become united as they spend time together, learn and discuss each others dreams, goals and talents. They talk. They play. They socialize with one another’s family and friends. Premarital sex short circuits this progression.
I know you may be saying it is too late to turn back the clock and start over again. Actually, it isn’t. If you recognize that you have not united in spirit, you can start now. That is what the rest of these ingredients are about. I will instruct you in starting where you are and moving toward friendship, intimacy of spirit and love. In so doing you can re-establish your relationship on a strong and lasting footing that will lead to deep and abiding love. Yes, love happens and it can happen to you. Please do not give up.
Conclusion
The reason that I believe love is the least important of the ingredients of a successful marriage relationship is because you don’t really have to do anything except let it happen. Here’s the deal. If you don’t love somebody it’s because you had to keep it from happening. You had to decide you didn’t like them, you weren’t going to get to know them, and you’re not going to give of yourself to them. You’re just not going to love them. How does a relationship disintegrate? It is because you decided to stop the natural development of love. Love will happen if you just let it as it did with your parents and siblings. You can love people and most of all you will love your spouse and be loved by them. Not to love is a choice you can make but if do not choose to love the one you are with, you will face the same issue in any future relationship. If you are to ever achieve marital bliss you will choose to let love grow, so why not do that now with the one to whom you have already committed yourself?
Yes it takes time, but the other ingredients of a successful marriage relationship will help you understand how to develop such love. Read on to learn about the second and most important ingredient, determination.