5 Ingredients of A Successful Marriage Relationship Ch 4

APPRECIATION

LOVE

Love is the first ingredient of a successful marriage relationship.  I propose to you that love happens therefore it’s the least important of the five ingredients.  We end up loving the people we’re with the more we’re with them.  The longer we’re with them the more we love them.  Love is an attitude of sacrifice, of laying your life down for another person.    Occasionally we make sacrifices for strangers. For the most part, though, sacrificial love is demonstrated in our close relationships.  We do things for others that we wouldn’t necessarily have had to do or need to do.  We do them because we love them.  So again I propose to you that love happens.

DETERMINATION

The second ingredient of successful relationships and most important of the five is determination.  You have the choice to make up your mind that, no matter what, this is a permanent relationship.  A commitment to be determined is built into virtually all of our marriage vows.  They end this way “till death do us part”.  Determination is an attitude we need. It is far more imparted to us as a result of our culture, our family background and experience than it is by any other things.  If we’re going to be determined we really have to decide the rise of above our culture in which says if marriage doesn’t work out just move on. Like you might do with a job you quit, if you don’t like your spouse, take off.  Sometimes if you don’t get along with your children you might kick them out.  Determination is something we must have in order to have a permanent relationship.  I propose to you that in marriage and virtually all other relationships will last a lifetime if you only have determination because determination will lead to love.  It won’t necessarily mean it’s a successful relationship in fact, it may not be.

If you are familiar with the characters in Seinfeld, George’s parents illustrate determination without having a successful relationship.  All they do is yell at one another.  They bicker and fight and argue and pick at each other all the time.  However, there’s never been a doubt about the fact that they are going to stay married.  Determination leads the love.

Love doesn’t necessarily produce pleasure and satisfaction and we certainly don’t like everybody we love.  You may be well aware of this fact in relation to some of your own brothers and sisters, parents, children.  Love occurs and it needs to develop into genuine pleasure and enjoyment by being determined to stay together long enough to experience these.

ACCEPTANCE

The third ingredient of successful relationships is acceptance… unconditional acceptance.  Whatever the person is like, whatever they do, you need to accept that person as is.  It is an essential quality of success in marriage.  You were attracted to your spouse is because you recognized their strengths.

If your spouse is really trying to please and you appear to reject them, your attitude makes it more difficult for them to change.  The more we focus on what we can’t do, the less competent be become.  Jesus said, “Overcome evil with good.”  I think these words could mean, “Overcome your weaknesses with your strengths.”  If you reinforce the negative in your spouse by focusing on their weaknesses rather than their strengths, you may actually cause them to be obsessed with their weaknesses.  Try as they may to change, they can’t.  The best way overcome evil is to identify the positive opposite qualities and focus on them.  Brag on your spouses strengths.  This will help convey acceptance.

A FOURTH INGREDIENT OF A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP

The fourth key to a successful relationship is appreciation.  That’s been my experience.  It is really important for person to feel that they’re appreciated.  There are two levels of appreciation.  I just called these two simple appreciation and deep appreciation.

SIMPLE APPRECIATION

Simple appreciation is saying ‘thank you’.  When you’re dating and your boyfriend takes you out to dinner you might say, “Oh, thank you so much.  That was wonderful.”  When you have been married a while you might say something more like this, “When you going to take me out for dinner?”  If we are not careful, over time we cease to be appreciative and take one another for granted.  We might adopt an “entitlement” mentality which leads to false expectations and ingratitude.

Initially we  are pleased with our spouses. Then all of the problems related to life together start to emerge and the next thing you know you’re just not as appreciative as you were.  Simple appreciation is not as common in familiar surroundings.

Simple appreciation is using good manners such as not mentioning one unsatisfactory food item on the table, but thanking your spouse for all the work and all the other good things prepared.  It is thanking one another for the simple acts of kindness or performance of responsibilities.  Simple appreciation is noticing when the house or car is clean, lawn care done, laundry finished or in place, food prepared, or even opening a door.        Simple appreciation is remembering birthdays and anniversaries.  Marriage partners should always acknowledge your anniversaries.  Men are notorious for forgetting anniversaries but it is really important remember.   Showing appreciation does not mean spending a lot, especially if money is tight.  It is about remembering.  One flower or at least a thoughtful card shows that you remembered your anniversary.  Birthdays are also an important time to demonstrate simple appreciation.  Never forget your spouse’s birthday.  Guys don’t forget your wife’s birthday.  On the average, wives are more sensitive about that.  But men want to be remembered on their birthday too.  These are some of the many ways to show simple appreciation.

Simple appreciation is remembering to say thank you or for all the good things:  Thank you for going to work and contributing to our household.  Thank you for a washing clothes so that when I open the drawer there are clean clothes there.  Thank you for this wonderful meal.  We often fail to practice the same common courtesies of gratitude with our family members more than we do with total strangers.   If we are to have successful relationships we must be appreciative.

It’s one thing to be determined to stay married and grow in love.  It’s another thing to be happily married.  Half of marriages end in divorce and many of the other half are not really satisfied in their marriage relationship.  It doesn’t have to be that way.  If you will practice the same things you did when you were dating to convince each other to marry, that will help you.  If you start making yourself do whatever you did at the beginning to show appreciation and gratitude for everything it would help a great deal.

Are you becoming best friends in your marriage?  You may even be a little better at showing appreciation to your friends than you are in your immediate family.  We are not likely to take our friendships for granted but sometimes we do in marriage.  Be best friends and show appreciation to each other as you would with any good friend.  Write the note, make the phone call, or send an e-mail or text message (though that’s pretty weak).     Show appreciation.  You can never say thank you too many times.  I always answer phone calls from my wife.  She is considerate of my schedule so I know a call from her during work is important.  I answer.  This is a way to express simple appreciation for how I value her above others in my life.

DEEP APPRECIATION

Deep appreciation, from my perspective, is expressed especially in contexts where there is tension or some difference of opinion.  Have you heard people say,” I can appreciate that, but.”   What that really means is that I see your point of view and I think I understand where you’re coming from even though I don’t agree with it.  You desperately need that deep level appreciation from each other in the middle of your marital disagreements.

We really need to know that we been heard and that we’ve been understood.  It is important to know that “even though you don’t agree with me I know that you heard me.”  Whether at home or at work we want those we are with to understand where you’re coming from.  We want our opinion to be appreciated enough in our discussion of an issue about which there are differences of opinion that our point of view is taken seriously.

In all of  us there is a need to be valued enough to feel that what we think matters.  Don’t you think that’s true in every relationship.  Great communication is a result of knowing your point of view is appreciated.  Differences of opinion are inevitable but disrespect and devaluing your spouse is unacceptable.  You must embrace the kind of deep appreciation that causes you to listen.  In so doing you will increase the likelihood of being heard.  When we are heard, we are more likely to also hear.

If, rather than listening, all you do is think about your next rebuttal to whatever is said you are diminishing your success in your marriage relationship or any relationship for that matter.  A heated discussion is healthy as long as each party is respectful.  A great way to show respect is to listen so you can stay on subject.  If you resort to changing subjects and making unrelated accusations it indicates your argument is very weak.  It cannot stand on its own merit and needs to be reinforced by some irrelevant reference to another incident in which you believe you were correct.  This escalation of conflict is a sure sign of lack of appreciation.

THE GOAL IN MARRIAGE

What is the goal in marriage anyway?  Isn’t it to live with one another in as much comfort of companionship and intimacy as possible?  It is not to always have things one way….your way.  It is to live with the love of your life in harmony, compassion, service, pleasure and productivity.  Marriage is not a competition of wills.  It is a cooperative venture of life well lived.  It is a joint venture in pursuit of your common good.  To achieve this level of intimacy, you must be appreciative at the deepest of levels.  Start today.

Beginning here and now change your relationship from telling your spouse what to do and what you are going to do, to discussing what may be the best course of action for both of you together.  Seek your spouse’s advice.  Yes, give your advice as well, just as good friends do.  When you want the best advice your spouse can be there for you…..your number one advisor.  Build your friendship with deep appreciation for one another.  It’s awesome to be best friends in marriage.  You are on the road to success in your marriage relationship.

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